Originally posted April 9, 2009
Q: Dear Mr. Man:
It has been several months since my husband and I have made love. He always tells me that he is tired or not in the mood. This makes me moody and frustrated. Please help.
A: I have been following posts on New York City Moms and on Dad-Blogs about an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show that aired this week. My buddy, NYCity Mama, wrote a post about this show. The show was called, “The Truth About Motherhood”. According to Oprah, this was a “judgement-free” zone where mothers could admit their likes and dislikes about motherhood. Some of the dislikes that were mentioned were bodily fluids, toy explosions, and not being in “the mood” as much anymore. It is the last point that I want to address. Very plainly. Very clearly.
Anyone who believes that a marriage can be strong and healthy without sex has lost their damn minds. Period.
There is one very famous “mom-blogger” who said on the show that she and her husband did not have sex for seven months after their child was born. She also said that intimacy is rubbing ankles as their 40-pound child sleeps between them. Sounds like some boundaries need to be set.
Here’s the deal. A man need initmacy from their wives. It is a reinforcement of the emotional commitment that he has made to his wife. It is also a way for a man to communicate his love for his wife. Men are visual and physical creatures. It is why we are fascinated by the vivid colors on a high definition big screen, it is why we wrestle other guys, hand bump, and “noogie” our sons. Physicality is an extension of our emotions. Check out this poll on sex in marriage that my brother, E. Payne, recently conducted.
It is no different in the bedroom. The act of love making is an intimate connection to the soul of the woman God has blessed us with. It was intended for man and woman to share this intimacy in this very connected way. I am using the word “connected” in a very deliberate manner. This connection is obviously physical, but, when it is done right, there is a connection of heart and soul.
The absence of intimacy creates another set of issues entirely. According to some religions, the cessation of sexual relations in a marriage is the functional termination of that marriage. Did you catch that, friends? The termination of your marriage. Wow, that’s so deep that I need to pause for a moment…
Okay, I’m back. With the exception of being unable to be sexual with your spouse due to physical limitations, it is unnatural for a married couple to not be intimate with each other. Unfortunately, when intimacy is witheld in the marriage union, it is possible that sexual fulfillment will be sought outside of the home. Not cool. Marriages cease to be the celebration of life and love that they were created to be. They become traps and dens of deceptions. The smallest molehill of problems become as large as mountains when there is no intimacy in a marriage. People who withhold intimacy and wear it as a badge of honor need to man up. It’s time for healing. Sexual healing. Now stop reading and give your spouse a call. Peace.